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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Exhaustion is winning?

I am feeling terribly overwhelmed and exhausted at the moment.
Am trying to eat properly but just don't seem to be staying on top of it all.
For the PCOS i should be eating well, exercising and getting sleep and taking metformin, for the depression the same except the medication and that is Effexor.
I can happily say that i have now officially come down to 75mg/day. I was really resisting that move. the pills have been a crutch for so long that is it weird to say that i am doing as well with half the dose as i was 12 months ago.

So much has happened in the last 12 months.
I began working at Seaberth, and had to learn all that environment that i was royally unprepared for. I had been warned about the situations that may arise though in my first week of work (on the third day which was a Friday that i remember vividly) we had what i thought was a particularly nasty eviction. The residents, a couple, were so off their brains and so angry at being told to leave there were so many arguments that i was sitting there wondering what the hell i had got myself into.

I could not believe the things that were said, and then when the male of the couple ( i won't call the drugged out looser a man), started threatening the boss with a metal pole i couldn't have been more glad that my time was up and i got to go home.
When i arrived the following Monday i was greeted with "oh you're back" which really did concern me immensely. I answered smartly with something along the lines of .... oh that didn't scare me too much.... Yeah right i had spent most of the Friday and weekend s&%*ing my pants wondering if i could quit.

That was one of the worst things that happened. After that most things seemed tame as far as work has been concerned. . . Until I arrived at work one day to find out the boss had argued with a residents "visitor" and had been thrown down 2 flights of stairs.... now that really scared me. Firstly it was all about me, and i was scared that could happen to me, the i was worried about him as by this stage we had become friends. He was also leaving to go OS in 48hours leaving me alone for 2 weeks. Again the possibility that it could happen to me crossed my mind but then i realised that it was OK because i wasn't there during the evening and that is when all the proverbial "shit the fan" stuff happened.

On top of the job at seaberth, William had begun school and was having some issues. which i was trying to help him with but i don't think i was very successful. Because i was working 5 days and couldn't really take him to work with me (even though it was permitted) he was staying out with My parents for the holidays.

I attended a weekend seminar with a friend which was a teaser to numerous Tony Robbins events. Unfortunately. or maybe fortunately, the weekend touched on a few emotional issues that i had (and prob still have) which led me to look at counselling and trying to sort through all that.

During the winter holidays I decided to go out and have a big one with "friends" which turned into a disaster. Getting in the middle of a situation, of which i didn't have all the truth or the information, made for quite an awkward night. On top of that i was VERY pissy and just a little bit randy and before i knew it was kissing my friends Ex. Which i knew was soooo wrong but felt nice to have someone come after me.

The night ended in disaster when i was pushed into a threesome and while I was happy to be a part of it, i wanted to kind of be the third wheel, i didn't want to really be involved, but things went to far. He ended up having sex with me, which i could not quite comprehend. I wanted to block them out of my house, and they ended up fighting and screaming so I ended up coming out of my room and telling them to both shut the hell up and get to bed. Unfortunately at that stage he went to my sons room and she was sharing with me. I am guessing she was feeling frustrated and kinda angry so she decided to welcome me to lesbianism whether i liked it or not, and in a state of shock i let it happen.

After that i just wanted sleep to happen and happen fast. I didn't know what to do so i thought I would just let it go, but my brain had other ideas and I couldn't get past it. Luckily i had already started seeing a counsellor. She pointed out how i was feeling and that i needed to look at it head on and see what really happened, which meant i got a bit bogged down in the need to be a victim.....another of my ways that i thought i would get some attention and for a time i did, though i think everyone got sick of me after awhile to.
I had a number of meltdowns at work over the ensuing weeks which meant that eventually i had to come clean with the Boss. I did effect our work relationship for awhile but he was also a pillar of strength for me. He seemed to know when to leave me alone as well as when to try and make me laugh or just take my mind off it.


I think at this stage i was definitely becoming attached to the boss. firstly as a friend, then as the imaginings of possibility for more. There is still a little bit of that i guess even after all this time but i am so unsure of what i want in life that i can't honestly say how i feel about him. I am a little obsessed but i also feel so much of the time like i am looking in a mirror of now.

In his past he has done so many things that i would love to do. We have spent quite a bit of time together mostly at work but some outside work. And most of the time we get along well. Thought for a man he can be as moody as a woman with severe PMS. ( i know a very politically incorrect and unfeminist thing to say but you have to meet him to understand).

So on top of all of that i ended up going to a weekend Tony Robbins seminar which allowed me to move past the assault..... allowed me to move past being a victim and to get my power back .

Now I need to find out what it is i am looking for in a relationship or a man. For so long i have been going for absolute dickheads. and i am too scared to get out there again in case I start that pattern again. The Boss has had a relationship and is now speed dating and in general getting out there.... which really does hurt. Not sure if it is because of how i feel (not sure how i feel), or if it is jealousy at the fact that he is getting out there.

Oh well that is about half the year. Of course there have been friends won and lost and many other trials and tribulations which i am sure i will bring up at a later date. but for now i have offloaded a little.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Another day another dollar

I have been trying to save up for a holiday for six months. Was going really well until christmas and my car broke down.... but now thanks to Mr Rudd I am intrending to stimulate the economy of Thailand in the next 12 months Yay!

With $1180 in the bank i can afford the airfares and now it is time for the passport, accomodation and of course some spending money.

I really want to just relax but also do some fun things. A fre friends of mine have gone over in the past 6 months and some of the pics that have come back have been amazing. I want to ride on an elephant, and i have actually found one site that allowed you to stay in the elephant compound and help out.

The other thing... other than money that i need before I go over is the ability to be happy in my own skin. I want to be able to buy a swimsuit and to be able to walk around in a sarong or shorts, instead of a long skirt or pants all the time.

I want to be able to come home with a tan and having really enjoyed myself and not having the thought that i missed out on something because I was too uncomfortable or too fat to do it.

Soooo after having an absolutely horrendus eating day today when i went out for lunch and had a roast, then portugese tart, then half a block of white chocolate, then eggs on toast for dinner and 5 teaspoons of nutella, i think tomorrow really needs to be the day that i stop kidding myself.

Who cares if the guy i like, doesn't like me and goes for tall skinny pretty women. That is no reason to make myself absolutely massive in protest. Nor is it a reason to make myself skinny in hope he will want me. BUT it is a reason to recognise that my mind is too focused on what he wants and not enough on what i want for myself.

Secondly i know that chocolate and all that makes me sleepy, the sugar effects my body so severely that I have to sleep to cope and that means leaving Will to his own devices. Will is only 6 and deserves to have a mother that doesn't need to sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.

thirdly my excuse that I cann't afford to loose weight is silly. I know what the good things are to eat. I also have the ability to look at labels, count calories or points, to not buy the crap that neither will nor i need to eat. I will stop blaming not getting onto the Biggest looser, or having heaps of money for trainers or gym membership.

So i will sit down and make a plan, i will start organising our eating and sorting out what I want, I will stop thinking about everyone else.

so 105kg and 171cms.... Lets see how I can do this! Because I can do this!