I am feeling terribly overwhelmed and exhausted at the moment.
Am trying to eat properly but just don't seem to be staying on top of it all.
For the PCOS i should be eating well, exercising and getting sleep and taking metformin, for the depression the same except the medication and that is Effexor.
I can happily say that i have now officially come down to 75mg/day. I was really resisting that move. the pills have been a crutch for so long that is it weird to say that i am doing as well with half the dose as i was 12 months ago.
So much has happened in the last 12 months.
I began working at Seaberth, and had to learn all that environment that i was royally unprepared for. I had been warned about the situations that may arise though in my first week of work (on the third day which was a Friday that i remember vividly) we had what i thought was a particularly nasty eviction. The residents, a couple, were so off their brains and so angry at being told to leave there were so many arguments that i was sitting there wondering what the hell i had got myself into.
I could not believe the things that were said, and then when the male of the couple ( i won't call the drugged out looser a man), started threatening the boss with a metal pole i couldn't have been more glad that my time was up and i got to go home.
When i arrived the following Monday i was greeted with "oh you're back" which really did concern me immensely. I answered smartly with something along the lines of .... oh that didn't scare me too much.... Yeah right i had spent most of the Friday and weekend s&%*ing my pants wondering if i could quit.
That was one of the worst things that happened. After that most things seemed tame as far as work has been concerned. . . Until I arrived at work one day to find out the boss had argued with a residents "visitor" and had been thrown down 2 flights of stairs.... now that really scared me. Firstly it was all about me, and i was scared that could happen to me, the i was worried about him as by this stage we had become friends. He was also leaving to go OS in 48hours leaving me alone for 2 weeks. Again the possibility that it could happen to me crossed my mind but then i realised that it was OK because i wasn't there during the evening and that is when all the proverbial "shit the fan" stuff happened.
On top of the job at seaberth, William had begun school and was having some issues. which i was trying to help him with but i don't think i was very successful. Because i was working 5 days and couldn't really take him to work with me (even though it was permitted) he was staying out with My parents for the holidays.
I attended a weekend seminar with a friend which was a teaser to numerous Tony Robbins events. Unfortunately. or maybe fortunately, the weekend touched on a few emotional issues that i had (and prob still have) which led me to look at counselling and trying to sort through all that.
During the winter holidays I decided to go out and have a big one with "friends" which turned into a disaster. Getting in the middle of a situation, of which i didn't have all the truth or the information, made for quite an awkward night. On top of that i was VERY pissy and just a little bit randy and before i knew it was kissing my friends Ex. Which i knew was soooo wrong but felt nice to have someone come after me.
The night ended in disaster when i was pushed into a threesome and while I was happy to be a part of it, i wanted to kind of be the third wheel, i didn't want to really be involved, but things went to far. He ended up having sex with me, which i could not quite comprehend. I wanted to block them out of my house, and they ended up fighting and screaming so I ended up coming out of my room and telling them to both shut the hell up and get to bed. Unfortunately at that stage he went to my sons room and she was sharing with me. I am guessing she was feeling frustrated and kinda angry so she decided to welcome me to lesbianism whether i liked it or not, and in a state of shock i let it happen.
After that i just wanted sleep to happen and happen fast. I didn't know what to do so i thought I would just let it go, but my brain had other ideas and I couldn't get past it. Luckily i had already started seeing a counsellor. She pointed out how i was feeling and that i needed to look at it head on and see what really happened, which meant i got a bit bogged down in the need to be a victim.....another of my ways that i thought i would get some attention and for a time i did, though i think everyone got sick of me after awhile to.
I had a number of meltdowns at work over the ensuing weeks which meant that eventually i had to come clean with the Boss. I did effect our work relationship for awhile but he was also a pillar of strength for me. He seemed to know when to leave me alone as well as when to try and make me laugh or just take my mind off it.
I think at this stage i was definitely becoming attached to the boss. firstly as a friend, then as the imaginings of possibility for more. There is still a little bit of that i guess even after all this time but i am so unsure of what i want in life that i can't honestly say how i feel about him. I am a little obsessed but i also feel so much of the time like i am looking in a mirror of now.
In his past he has done so many things that i would love to do. We have spent quite a bit of time together mostly at work but some outside work. And most of the time we get along well. Thought for a man he can be as moody as a woman with severe PMS. ( i know a very politically incorrect and unfeminist thing to say but you have to meet him to understand).
So on top of all of that i ended up going to a weekend Tony Robbins seminar which allowed me to move past the assault..... allowed me to move past being a victim and to get my power back .
Now I need to find out what it is i am looking for in a relationship or a man. For so long i have been going for absolute dickheads. and i am too scared to get out there again in case I start that pattern again. The Boss has had a relationship and is now speed dating and in general getting out there.... which really does hurt. Not sure if it is because of how i feel (not sure how i feel), or if it is jealousy at the fact that he is getting out there.
Oh well that is about half the year. Of course there have been friends won and lost and many other trials and tribulations which i am sure i will bring up at a later date. but for now i have offloaded a little.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Another day another dollar
I have been trying to save up for a holiday for six months. Was going really well until christmas and my car broke down.... but now thanks to Mr Rudd I am intrending to stimulate the economy of Thailand in the next 12 months Yay!
With $1180 in the bank i can afford the airfares and now it is time for the passport, accomodation and of course some spending money.
I really want to just relax but also do some fun things. A fre friends of mine have gone over in the past 6 months and some of the pics that have come back have been amazing. I want to ride on an elephant, and i have actually found one site that allowed you to stay in the elephant compound and help out.
The other thing... other than money that i need before I go over is the ability to be happy in my own skin. I want to be able to buy a swimsuit and to be able to walk around in a sarong or shorts, instead of a long skirt or pants all the time.
I want to be able to come home with a tan and having really enjoyed myself and not having the thought that i missed out on something because I was too uncomfortable or too fat to do it.
Soooo after having an absolutely horrendus eating day today when i went out for lunch and had a roast, then portugese tart, then half a block of white chocolate, then eggs on toast for dinner and 5 teaspoons of nutella, i think tomorrow really needs to be the day that i stop kidding myself.
Who cares if the guy i like, doesn't like me and goes for tall skinny pretty women. That is no reason to make myself absolutely massive in protest. Nor is it a reason to make myself skinny in hope he will want me. BUT it is a reason to recognise that my mind is too focused on what he wants and not enough on what i want for myself.
Secondly i know that chocolate and all that makes me sleepy, the sugar effects my body so severely that I have to sleep to cope and that means leaving Will to his own devices. Will is only 6 and deserves to have a mother that doesn't need to sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.
thirdly my excuse that I cann't afford to loose weight is silly. I know what the good things are to eat. I also have the ability to look at labels, count calories or points, to not buy the crap that neither will nor i need to eat. I will stop blaming not getting onto the Biggest looser, or having heaps of money for trainers or gym membership.
So i will sit down and make a plan, i will start organising our eating and sorting out what I want, I will stop thinking about everyone else.
so 105kg and 171cms.... Lets see how I can do this! Because I can do this!
With $1180 in the bank i can afford the airfares and now it is time for the passport, accomodation and of course some spending money.
I really want to just relax but also do some fun things. A fre friends of mine have gone over in the past 6 months and some of the pics that have come back have been amazing. I want to ride on an elephant, and i have actually found one site that allowed you to stay in the elephant compound and help out.
The other thing... other than money that i need before I go over is the ability to be happy in my own skin. I want to be able to buy a swimsuit and to be able to walk around in a sarong or shorts, instead of a long skirt or pants all the time.
I want to be able to come home with a tan and having really enjoyed myself and not having the thought that i missed out on something because I was too uncomfortable or too fat to do it.
Soooo after having an absolutely horrendus eating day today when i went out for lunch and had a roast, then portugese tart, then half a block of white chocolate, then eggs on toast for dinner and 5 teaspoons of nutella, i think tomorrow really needs to be the day that i stop kidding myself.
Who cares if the guy i like, doesn't like me and goes for tall skinny pretty women. That is no reason to make myself absolutely massive in protest. Nor is it a reason to make myself skinny in hope he will want me. BUT it is a reason to recognise that my mind is too focused on what he wants and not enough on what i want for myself.
Secondly i know that chocolate and all that makes me sleepy, the sugar effects my body so severely that I have to sleep to cope and that means leaving Will to his own devices. Will is only 6 and deserves to have a mother that doesn't need to sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.
thirdly my excuse that I cann't afford to loose weight is silly. I know what the good things are to eat. I also have the ability to look at labels, count calories or points, to not buy the crap that neither will nor i need to eat. I will stop blaming not getting onto the Biggest looser, or having heaps of money for trainers or gym membership.
So i will sit down and make a plan, i will start organising our eating and sorting out what I want, I will stop thinking about everyone else.
so 105kg and 171cms.... Lets see how I can do this! Because I can do this!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
How do you know if they know?
Well I really must like pain dissapointment and rejection..... why you ask? because I had succeeded in convincing myself again that I was in the running for someone.... for more than friendship.
Things had beeen going so well..... so smoothly and nicely. Lots of bantering, lots of jokes and laughter and all that.... but then he tells me that he is booked in for speeddating on the weekend..... he is gonna spend $50 to meet 15-20 women and thinks that he should have a fairly good chance of meeting at least one person with whom there i s a mutual connection......
And what do i do... I sit there and make a joke.... tell him good luck while I am secretly hoping that all the women who he likes don't like him and vice versa. (which is a really mean thing to think????)
I want to be happy, i want to be in love, and have someone to do things with, to make plans with and just to not be on my own.... but i don't like rejection and that is why i dont want to go to speed dating or even the websites etc because i would be crushed if i didn't find anyone that was interested in me.
I guess there is the other side to this that i don't think there is all that much about me that is interesting, or that would interest someone.
I am overweight, have PCOS (which includes the excess hair crap), socially awekward when i don't know people, tend to be sarcastic, teasing etc. Would love to be an outdoors/active person but am not.
what else can i say ..............................................any idea gratefully accepted!!
Things had beeen going so well..... so smoothly and nicely. Lots of bantering, lots of jokes and laughter and all that.... but then he tells me that he is booked in for speeddating on the weekend..... he is gonna spend $50 to meet 15-20 women and thinks that he should have a fairly good chance of meeting at least one person with whom there i s a mutual connection......
And what do i do... I sit there and make a joke.... tell him good luck while I am secretly hoping that all the women who he likes don't like him and vice versa. (which is a really mean thing to think????)
I want to be happy, i want to be in love, and have someone to do things with, to make plans with and just to not be on my own.... but i don't like rejection and that is why i dont want to go to speed dating or even the websites etc because i would be crushed if i didn't find anyone that was interested in me.
I guess there is the other side to this that i don't think there is all that much about me that is interesting, or that would interest someone.
I am overweight, have PCOS (which includes the excess hair crap), socially awekward when i don't know people, tend to be sarcastic, teasing etc. Would love to be an outdoors/active person but am not.
what else can i say ..............................................any idea gratefully accepted!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
another installment in the Job saga!
I have so many people looking out for me at the moment, but it is hard to decide how much is concern and how much is their own "agenda".
I have not made any decisions regarding my job! I dodn't know what is the best decision and have had at least on conversation (on email) and many more in person with people about what to do with the time i have left and how I would feel working on my own very day and then there is the potential for someone new.
Below is the email that i am refering to when i say that i am so confused. There is so many pros and cons. I know that everyone is giving me advice regarding possible outcomes but i know that until it comes to the crunch I won't make a decision.... i won't do anything until my hand is forced.... that always seems to be the way I work!
This email began because of a job ad i found...
From Him to me
Think about how much you will be able to save for that holiday.
From ME To him
From ME To him
I have not made any decisions regarding my job! I dodn't know what is the best decision and have had at least on conversation (on email) and many more in person with people about what to do with the time i have left and how I would feel working on my own very day and then there is the potential for someone new.
Below is the email that i am refering to when i say that i am so confused. There is so many pros and cons. I know that everyone is giving me advice regarding possible outcomes but i know that until it comes to the crunch I won't make a decision.... i won't do anything until my hand is forced.... that always seems to be the way I work!
This email began because of a job ad i found...
From Him to me
You can do anything you put your mind toooooooooooo!
Sounds like a great opportunity.
Start writing out your reference from me addressing their criteria and I will give it the extra magical touches.
You will never know if you never give it a go..........
I think its the challange of not knowing if you can do it that permits you to succeed.
Over confidence and not meeting our own expectations is a sure way to fail.
GO FOR IT
From ME To him
Mmmm I will work at it ….
Sometimes I just think it is too hard to do something that makes me use my brain….. and that makes me work full time.
I have been thinking that I will need to start doing something that pays into my Super. Having you talk about it makes me realise it is something I need to be thinking about … and so many people keep telling me that I need to work on getting a career.
From him to me
Super for me is knowing that there will be something to pass on to my daughter, not so much to retire on.
There are professional students and people with a profession (career).
Why work for marks when you can work for $$$$
Which one pays more?
With William, think long term not short term.
What will benefit him more?
You have made my job a lot easier here but really your skills are wasted here for the sake of convenience.
Its taken me three years to realise OWNER will not look after me if it came to the crunch, what he will look after is himself and his $$$$
Will he look after you if I go or stay?
Look at the big picture with yourself at the centre, if you take care of yourself first you will be happier, stronger, wiser and wealthier. William can only benefit from this.
I will be taking this job as soon as it is sorted out.
I am looking at the big picture with me at the centre and know it is not only the best decision for myself but in the long term the best for Emmi too.
I dont even think I will include my time here on my resume, the title of "Slumlord" I dont think is too impressive, but like yourself I have stayed for the sake of convenience and thats exactly what I have become to OWNER" a convenience". The difference you or I can make here is only for personal satisfaction OWNER couldnt give a rats arse as long as the $$$$ keep rolling in.
I have been trying to look at it from my perspective…. Trying to think of what is best… but the answer I can’t find is to this question. What is best for William? Having me around everyday or having me working earning money and paying someone else to look after him?
This is the one that is killing me at the moment. I wish I could answer your questions but long term has never been something I have been able to do. Getting through the day is more my speed. LOL
I agree with you in respect to OWNER…. But you already knew that.
You need to get out of here asap. While it is hard for me to say that I too see that this place is not good for you at the moment. This environment is not where you need to be, for you or your daughter. But Will isn’t exposed to it like Daughter is and with me there I get to pick him up and drop him off everyday. For quite some time you were heralding these very benefits of the job, and now you are keen for me to get out of there. This is confusing me.
You have a few more years experience and knowledge on your side, but you also have the knowledge that your daughter is cared for and loved by her mother. Maybe this is my block but having only myself to back up to for William means that he needs to be closer to my centre when I am making my decisions….but maybe I am wrong on that scale too.
Anyway I don’t want to talk about this until we know when it is all happening.
As for my reference I would prefer if you were just honest with my abilities as you see it. Most places will call you anyway.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Laughing.... at you or with you?
How can you tell if someone is laughing at you or with you?
Maybe I am being oversensitive... how can it be that i thought i had done something pretty good.... Shovelling and barrowing 1 ton of soil halfway down my driveway and into the backyard..... and it only took an hour..... I was proud of myself..... but it only took one person to make me feel like ihad not done a good job... one word and i felt week and incompetent.
I was hopeing for a "well done"... a "shit that would have been hard work" but what i got was very different. It was .... "oh one ton thats only 2barrow loads" and "heheh it took you 10 trips OMG hehehehe"......"hehehheheheheheheheehe"
Don't say anymore .... i was so cranky, to think that i had done all this hard work..... and i was proud of my effort. I snapped back with a comment along the lines of "well we cant all be muscle men like you!" which i don't think was very useful. I did however tell him that I was not impressed with his attitude and asked what his problem was, of course didn't get an answer.
I guess what makes me so angry is that i don't see why someone elses opinion should matter so much..... i didn't have any help, nor do i have anyone to tell me howthe best way to do something is so it is easier... and why shoud it matter if i chose to take 10 loads instead of 5. I did that to make sure the job got done... so that i didn't drop it and have to pick it up again.
Again i am justifying what i did.. instead of just being happy with myself. why do i always do that!
Maybe I am being oversensitive... how can it be that i thought i had done something pretty good.... Shovelling and barrowing 1 ton of soil halfway down my driveway and into the backyard..... and it only took an hour..... I was proud of myself..... but it only took one person to make me feel like ihad not done a good job... one word and i felt week and incompetent.
I was hopeing for a "well done"... a "shit that would have been hard work" but what i got was very different. It was .... "oh one ton thats only 2barrow loads" and "heheh it took you 10 trips OMG hehehehe"......"hehehheheheheheheheehe"
Don't say anymore .... i was so cranky, to think that i had done all this hard work..... and i was proud of my effort. I snapped back with a comment along the lines of "well we cant all be muscle men like you!" which i don't think was very useful. I did however tell him that I was not impressed with his attitude and asked what his problem was, of course didn't get an answer.
I guess what makes me so angry is that i don't see why someone elses opinion should matter so much..... i didn't have any help, nor do i have anyone to tell me howthe best way to do something is so it is easier... and why shoud it matter if i chose to take 10 loads instead of 5. I did that to make sure the job got done... so that i didn't drop it and have to pick it up again.
Again i am justifying what i did.. instead of just being happy with myself. why do i always do that!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What to do???
With a very confused mind this blog is begun and this post is written.
Depression, anxiety and desire are all consuming passions in my life.
Depression rules my emotions, while pills rule my moods and the taking of or not taking decide how the next day will run....
So that that is my nut in a shell i guess.
BUT now while i have settled in my life and there has been one fairly constant over the past 10 months the world has turned upside down again ... and i have to decide where to go from here .. i have to decide what is best for me... and for me alone. I just don't know if i can... i don't know if i ever have done so before.
I am currently working as the admin officer/office manager/everything in a Boarding house. The job is interesting, though is beginning to be predictable. Some days i am bore out of my brain.... and this is the problem..... MY BOSS
Now the situation at work is that it is only me and the boss (forever to be called boss man or BM). The stranger thing is that where is work is his living quarters.... i walk in and there is the desk, turn around and just behind a petition screen is his bedroom/loung room which i have to walk through to get to the kitchen and bathroom.
For the first week i didn't go to the bathroom and for the first month i had to be desperate. LOL
Anyway the problem that is now occurring is that i am comfortable. I may not be stimulated by the job but the hours are great, i can still drop off and pick up my son, the money is decent and as i said the work is pretty basic.
BUT the reason i have stated for so long now and not quit every time something shitty happened is because i have a great affection for BM. I can't stop myself from thinking he is an amazing guy, but i also know he is not interested. Let me just say i will always go for the unattainable because i am a sucker for punishment and drama (not that i will ever admit that to my friends, though they know it anyway!).
Depression, anxiety and desire are all consuming passions in my life.
Depression rules my emotions, while pills rule my moods and the taking of or not taking decide how the next day will run....
So that that is my nut in a shell i guess.
BUT now while i have settled in my life and there has been one fairly constant over the past 10 months the world has turned upside down again ... and i have to decide where to go from here .. i have to decide what is best for me... and for me alone. I just don't know if i can... i don't know if i ever have done so before.
I am currently working as the admin officer/office manager/everything in a Boarding house. The job is interesting, though is beginning to be predictable. Some days i am bore out of my brain.... and this is the problem..... MY BOSS
Now the situation at work is that it is only me and the boss (forever to be called boss man or BM). The stranger thing is that where is work is his living quarters.... i walk in and there is the desk, turn around and just behind a petition screen is his bedroom/loung room which i have to walk through to get to the kitchen and bathroom.
For the first week i didn't go to the bathroom and for the first month i had to be desperate. LOL
Anyway the problem that is now occurring is that i am comfortable. I may not be stimulated by the job but the hours are great, i can still drop off and pick up my son, the money is decent and as i said the work is pretty basic.
BUT the reason i have stated for so long now and not quit every time something shitty happened is because i have a great affection for BM. I can't stop myself from thinking he is an amazing guy, but i also know he is not interested. Let me just say i will always go for the unattainable because i am a sucker for punishment and drama (not that i will ever admit that to my friends, though they know it anyway!).
I said to a friend tonight that 5 years younger and with a little less emotional instability and he would be perfect..... he has the rescuer in him. He wants to make me a better person .... he just doesn't realise that by doing all this nice stuff for me he makes me fall even harder for him.
THE problem i now face is that he may be leaving..... he has been offered another job and he would be really good for it and I think it would be good for him too. Where we work is not a "normal" atmosphere.... the people that live there have all got problems. We cater for the low end of society.... not the lowest but it is low.... these are people who have few other places they can go. And while we ask for references like were are some upmarket joint .... as long as they can provide us with something that points to the fact that they are not lying then in they come.
So he might be leaving... if everything works out for this new job then he is looking at taking off mid may. Which does not leave me very much time to decide where my life is heading and what my priorities are. Do i or don't i want to move on... or the more pertinent question is can i. What kind of place am i committing to if i do decide to stay. Or is it really that bad... would it be OK without him??? Could i do the job without him there??
Should i follow him? would that really serve any great purpose except to torment me, to know that he is so close but still not close enough for me to mean anything more to him that someone who is good on the computer... and decent to vent to every now and then when the other one is away.
ANYWAY.... will post this up and more will follow.... this one is gonna take some sorting out!
What to do... i know that i need to walk away from him . Stop being so emotional invested but that would mean change and I am not prepared to do that at the moment.
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