How do you know if they know?

Well I really must like pain dissapointment and rejection..... why you ask? because I had succeeded in convincing myself again that I was in the running for someone.... for more than friendship.

Things had beeen going so well..... so smoothly and nicely. Lots of bantering, lots of jokes and laughter and all that.... but then he tells me that he is booked in for speeddating on the weekend..... he is gonna spend $50 to meet 15-20 women and thinks that he should have a fairly good chance of meeting at least one person with whom there i s a mutual connection......

And what do i do... I sit there and make a joke.... tell him good luck while I am secretly hoping that all the women who he likes don't like him and vice versa. (which is a really mean thing to think????)

I want to be happy, i want to be in love, and have someone to do things with, to make plans with and just to not be on my own.... but i don't like rejection and that is why i dont want to go to speed dating or even the websites etc because i would be crushed if i didn't find anyone that was interested in me.

I guess there is the other side to this that i don't think there is all that much about me that is interesting, or that would interest someone.
I am overweight, have PCOS (which includes the excess hair crap), socially awekward when i don't know people, tend to be sarcastic, teasing etc. Would love to be an outdoors/active person but am not.

what else can i say ..............................................any idea gratefully accepted!!

another installment in the Job saga!

I have so many people looking out for me at the moment, but it is hard to decide how much is concern and how much is their own "agenda".

I have not made any decisions regarding my job! I dodn't know what is the best decision and have had at least on conversation (on email) and many more in person with people about what to do with the time i have left and how I would feel working on my own very day and then there is the potential for someone new.

Below is the email that i am refering to when i say that i am so confused. There is so many pros and cons. I know that everyone is giving me advice regarding possible outcomes but i know that until it comes to the crunch I won't make a decision.... i won't do anything until my hand is forced.... that always seems to be the way I work!


This email began because of a job ad i found...

From Him to me

You can do anything you put your mind toooooooooooo!

Sounds like a great opportunity.

Start writing out your reference from me addressing their criteria and I will give it the extra magical touches.

You will never know if you never give it a go..........

I think its the challange of not knowing if you can do it that permits you to succeed.

Over confidence and not meeting our own expectations is a sure way to fail.

GO FOR IT

Think about how much you will be able to save for that holiday.


From ME To him

Mmmm I will work at it ….

Sometimes I just think it is too hard to do something that makes me use my brain….. and that makes me work full time.

I have been thinking that I will need to start doing something that pays into my Super. Having you talk about it makes me realise it is something I need to be thinking about … and so many people keep telling me that I need to work on getting a career.

I guess it is just easy to do the work when it is for marks then when it is for real. I don’t really know if I am capable of doing the job but I guess they will figure that out at the interview.

From him to me

Super for me is knowing that there will be something to pass on to my daughter, not so much to retire on.

There are professional students and people with a profession (career).

Why work for marks when you can work for $$$$

Which one pays more?
With William, think long term not short term.

What will benefit him more?

You have made my job a lot easier here but really your skills are wasted here for the sake of convenience.

Its taken me three years to realise OWNER will not look after me if it came to the crunch, what he will look after is himself and his $$$$

Will he look after you if I go or stay?

Look at the big picture with yourself at the centre, if you take care of yourself first you will be happier, stronger, wiser and wealthier. William can only benefit from this.

I will be taking this job as soon as it is sorted out.

I am looking at the big picture with me at the centre and know it is not only the best decision for myself but in the long term the best for Emmi too.

I dont even think I will include my time here on my resume, the title of "Slumlord" I dont think is too impressive, but like yourself I have stayed for the sake of convenience and thats exactly what I have become to OWNER" a convenience". The difference you or I can make here is only for personal satisfaction OWNER couldnt give a rats arse as long as the $$$$ keep rolling in.

---

From ME To him

I have been trying to look at it from my perspective…. Trying to think of what is best… but the answer I can’t find is to this question. What is best for William? Having me around everyday or having me working earning money and paying someone else to look after him?

This is the one that is killing me at the moment. I wish I could answer your questions but long term has never been something I have been able to do. Getting through the day is more my speed. LOL

I agree with you in respect to OWNER…. But you already knew that.

You need to get out of here asap. While it is hard for me to say that I too see that this place is not good for you at the moment. This environment is not where you need to be, for you or your daughter. But Will isn’t exposed to it like Daughter is and with me there I get to pick him up and drop him off everyday. For quite some time you were heralding these very benefits of the job, and now you are keen for me to get out of there. This is confusing me.

You have a few more years experience and knowledge on your side, but you also have the knowledge that your daughter is cared for and loved by her mother. Maybe this is my block but having only myself to back up to for William means that he needs to be closer to my centre when I am making my decisions….but maybe I am wrong on that scale too.

Anyway I don’t want to talk about this until we know when it is all happening.

As for my reference I would prefer if you were just honest with my abilities as you see it. Most places will call you anyway.

Laughing.... at you or with you?

How can you tell if someone is laughing at you or with you?

Maybe I am being oversensitive... how can it be that i thought i had done something pretty good.... Shovelling and barrowing 1 ton of soil halfway down my driveway and into the backyard..... and it only took an hour..... I was proud of myself..... but it only took one person to make me feel like ihad not done a good job... one word and i felt week and incompetent.

I was hopeing for a "well done"... a "shit that would have been hard work" but what i got was very different. It was .... "oh one ton thats only 2barrow loads" and "heheh it took you 10 trips OMG hehehehe"......"hehehheheheheheheheehe"

Don't say anymore .... i was so cranky, to think that i had done all this hard work..... and i was proud of my effort. I snapped back with a comment along the lines of "well we cant all be muscle men like you!" which i don't think was very useful. I did however tell him that I was not impressed with his attitude and asked what his problem was, of course didn't get an answer.

I guess what makes me so angry is that i don't see why someone elses opinion should matter so much..... i didn't have any help, nor do i have anyone to tell me howthe best way to do something is so it is easier... and why shoud it matter if i chose to take 10 loads instead of 5. I did that to make sure the job got done... so that i didn't drop it and have to pick it up again.

Again i am justifying what i did.. instead of just being happy with myself. why do i always do that!

What to do???

With a very confused mind this blog is begun and this post is written.

Depression, anxiety and desire are all consuming passions in my life.

Depression rules my emotions, while pills rule my moods and the taking of or not taking decide how the next day will run....

So that that is my nut in a shell i guess.

BUT now while i have settled in my life and there has been one fairly constant over the past 10 months the world has turned upside down again ... and i have to decide where to go from here .. i have to decide what is best for me... and for me alone. I just don't know if i can... i don't know if i ever have done so before.

I am currently working as the admin officer/office manager/everything in a Boarding house. The job is interesting, though is beginning to be predictable. Some days i am bore out of my brain.... and this is the problem..... MY BOSS

Now the situation at work is that it is only me and the boss (forever to be called boss man or BM). The stranger thing is that where is work is his living quarters.... i walk in and there is the desk, turn around and just behind a petition screen is his bedroom/loung room which i have to walk through to get to the kitchen and bathroom.

For the first week i didn't go to the bathroom and for the first month i had to be desperate. LOL

Anyway the problem that is now occurring is that i am comfortable. I may not be stimulated by the job but the hours are great, i can still drop off and pick up my son, the money is decent and as i said the work is pretty basic.

BUT the reason i have stated for so long now and not quit every time something shitty happened is because i have a great affection for BM. I can't stop myself from thinking he is an amazing guy, but i also know he is not interested. Let me just say i will always go for the unattainable because i am a sucker for punishment and drama (not that i will ever admit that to my friends, though they know it anyway!).

I said to a friend tonight that 5 years younger and with a little less emotional instability and he would be perfect..... he has the rescuer in him. He wants to make me a better person .... he just doesn't realise that by doing all this nice stuff for me he makes me fall even harder for him.

THE problem i now face is that he may be leaving..... he has been offered another job and he would be really good for it and I think it would be good for him too. Where we work is not a "normal" atmosphere.... the people that live there have all got problems. We cater for the low end of society.... not the lowest but it is low.... these are people who have few other places they can go. And while we ask for references like were are some upmarket joint .... as long as they can provide us with something that points to the fact that they are not lying then in they come.

So he might be leaving... if everything works out for this new job then he is looking at taking off mid may. Which does not leave me very much time to decide where my life is heading and what my priorities are. Do i or don't i want to move on... or the more pertinent question is can i. What kind of place am i committing to if i do decide to stay. Or is it really that bad... would it be OK without him??? Could i do the job without him there??

Should i follow him? would that really serve any great purpose except to torment me, to know that he is so close but still not close enough for me to mean anything more to him that someone who is good on the computer... and decent to vent to every now and then when the other one is away.

ANYWAY.... will post this up and more will follow.... this one is gonna take some sorting out!

What to do... i know that i need to walk away from him . Stop being so emotional invested but that would mean change and I am not prepared to do that at the moment.