the week that was

Oh the last week has been fairly hectic... fairly full on and massive.

Firstly photos have been surfacing from the wedding ... and there is finally a pic of my little man... and I have to say... he is gorgeously hansome in his suit... and oh so serious...! This is him standing at the front of the church with the other bestmen.... wonderful!

My sister and her hubby arrived back yesterday cutting their holiday short by a couple of days due to having gotten the gastro, they had some hassles getting on their flight because of a change in their days etc but that was all sorted out only for me to have to tell them that their car was hit while in my carpark, and then they found out their beautiful dog Millie had been hit my a car and killed. So for them it wasn't a great return!

I hope things look up for them soon.

I have been trying to see everyone and do everything in preparation for my surgery on Thursday. I am determined to get as much help as I can so have been having appointments with social workers etc to see what is available .. hiring a scooter so I can get around next week, and now moving the lounge/dining room around so when mum arrives on Wednesday with the spare single bed there will be a place to put it.

So as of thursday things will be pretty slow around here... taking care of me .. and my little man... while in Plaster and on crutches... Man... I am not looking forward to this!

Home !!

After spending 2 weeks away I am finally home, curled up on my lounge with the TV on and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed ... in my own house, with my own noises...

The wedding turned out amazing, the only hitch on the day was a Frigidly cold wind due to snow in Orange on Saturday morning, but all in all it couldn't have gone much better.

She looked divine, and the weather whilst cold did apparently make for an amazing light/sun for the photos... can't wait to see them.

My little man.... looked so amazing, and he was so well behaved... I was worried he would play up but he didn't, he stood totally still and wonderfully with the groomsmen a the front of the church... walked down the isle on his own, and then at the reception walked around talking to everyone, and basically acting about 50! hehe sooooo cute! He even went to sleep at the reception across chairs because he could tell I didn't want to go home (though I told him I would take him not problems at about 11pm). He was really the only kid at the wedding (other then a baby, and the two flower girls who are 3), so he was just amazing and sooo grown up! I was so proud of him!... Even though he was soooo tired!

 In the end my parents both said "they couldn't have done it without me" ... I just wish they could see that and not treat me like the hired help while things are happening. Even on the night of the wedding I was trying to help things run smoothly because the cutting of the cake went out of sequence, dinner was not served in the right order so that the speeches could happen when Tracie wanted them done, and also no one had organised for the champagne to be poured/disseminated through the guests for the toasts...
I sorted that out so that mum and Dad didn't have to and so Tracie could have things the way she wanted them.
But at the time ... nothing... my sister didn't bother helping and she is the one that is closest to her... should have wanted to help the most.


BUT onwards and upwards... Surgery in 10 days so now to organise that!

Frustration to the max

So frustrated... I am still at home, still trying to belong to fit in and to help.
I want so much to be a part of this "family" which I was born into but it really doesn't matter what I say or do it will never be said in the right way, it will never be done properly unless I take input from someone else.

Small things such as putting a bow onto my shoes to make them more weddingified, I was happy to do it my way knowing that Mum is busy, but no... my way wasn't good enough and now it has been taken over and Mum will have to do it because I have no idea how. The effect will be basically the same but now I don't do it and there is another thing on her plate...... But when i asked if she could put a colour in my hair this afternoon, something I can't do "cleanly" by myself, I was told she didn't have time, that she was too tired etc.... WTF

Then in an effort to be involved, and to possibly make life a little easier I questioned if the church would not have a CD player and was yelled at like a 5 year old, because I was questioning "every little thing".... but all I was thinking was it was strange that the church would not have a CD player, not a problem if they didn't but it was just one more thing that needed to be done that might not have to be.

So now, I yelled and ranted and screamed and told them to bugger off and that I would no longer give my opinion and if something went wrong or wasn't done and I had thought of it they would be sorry.... And NOW I feel like a 2 year old!
xoxo

4 sleeps to go.

OK I am having a massively bad couple of days, have cried myself to sleep the past couple of night and even as I try and write this and get it out of my head I have tears brimming... and I know it is stupid.

I am trying to be involved in My sisters wedding, I am a bridesmaid after all so I assume that I have some roll to play, something that she would want me to do either with the other three or seperate to, and I though up to now that I will leave it and surely I will find out soon.... But a week out from the wedding she has still not spoken to me about anything, and previously the couple of times I have asked her things I have been told to stop freaking out and that is her job.... Ummm actually I believe as a bridesmaid part of my job is to make sure she isn't freaking out... but well then again I am probably wrong as I mostly as when I am around my family.

Then, over the past 48 hours I have found out (from my mother) that I am handing out the cake with the other bridesmaids after it is cut and it is time for desert, and also that apparently I am being part of a speech... two things I had no idea about. Also that my sister and her hubby were staying at my place on Sunday night in Sydney before they flew out for their honey moon.

NOT one piece of this did I know.

 Oh and the only reason I found out they were staying with me is because I was told that my parents thought I was driving home to Sydney on the Sunday after the wedding, and I said no...the Monday... and it was then said .. "oh I thought Tracie and Kyle were staying with you on Sunday night".

I asked my engaged Sister today if there was anything I needed to know about the wedding today and she said no, that I would find out on friday, and that she had more important things to think about. Sure of course she does, but the thing is, if I am supposed to be making a speech I would like to know with a little more than 24 hours beforehand. I was told to stop freaking out and that I would have been asked/told on Friday (ie one day before the wedding).

Then she spoke to mum and I was then told by her to stop asking Tracie things about the wedding! So basically I am feeling like she doesn't really need or want me for anything to do with the wedding. That I could have just as easily turned up on friday and be treated like a flower girl... do this stand there thats all!

I am not dealing with this whole wedding bizzo very well at all and I know that. It only makes me see more clearly just how alone I am. I was not offered a "plus one" because I don't have a long term partner. . . . though other people have been and I know they don't either. Apparently my plus one is my son... lovely!

The best way I know to deal with things is to know what is coming, but by asking questions I am being annoying, and by not asking I sit in limbo hoping that someone will fill me in.

This wedding is for my little sister who is 8 years my junior, I know my older Sister had some "issues" to start with as well but since the engagement she has met a guy and recently moved in with him all within 12-18months, so she, I think, is seeing this as a warm up in what to do.
She lives within an hour of the one getting married and so has been involved in the process, but really would it have hurt anyone to pick up the fucking phone and let me know what was going on. I have stressed about the shoes, and many other things, my mother has been aware of my stress, and still decisions were being made and no one was telling me anything until I completely freaked out, and had a screaming fit...........then I am told things.

I find myself hoping that I hurt myself or that something happens so that I can just leave and not have to be a part of any of this crap. I want to help but am sick of being treated like hired help, not being given any information, my opinion mattering less than an ants.

I am trying not to make this about me, I am trying to be involved in her joy for the weekend, but how can I be when it is obvious she doesn't want me to be. I did the wrong thing saying I wanted to be a bridesmaid, I did the wrong thing not pulling out when i hurt my foot 12 months ago because that meant I couldn't wear the shoes she wanted etc, I have done the wrong thing by being home for 2 weeks before the wedding (not something I wanted but just couldn't afford to do anything else).

I should have just shut up and been the Emencee at least that way I would know something about the bloody wedding and what is happening, who will be doing speeches and when etc etc.


The voices have come back in my brain so clearly that every night I hear myself feeling what a looser I am, how alone and un-necessary I am. I find myself wanting to just disappear, Leave William to be happy with my Parents, or with his Dad, because truly how happy can he be with me considering how wonderfully fucked I have made my own life. I have found myself wondering how long I could live off one pension payment, because if I withdrew money from my account again they would be able to trace it and find where I have gone to.

I know I have been supremely stressed about things in my own life lately, but I have dealt with them the best way I know how and that is by trying to be organised. By being prepared and no once have I actually started mind planning how to run away! Not until this week.....not until I spend a week with my Family.....

This is what my brain has decided to go to think at the moment.....

Sun is shining but not getting through

I'm currently out staying with my parents for two weeks in the lead up to my sisters wedding. I thought everything would be ok, I thought I had grown enough lately, that I would be able to chill out through the crap, but you know what I haven't grown up that much, and I am really just counting down the days until I get to go home.

I find myself consumed with guilt about not really wanting to be here, about being annoyed that I am here but neither my sister that is getting married, nor my other sister who is also a bridesmaid will be around very much next week to also help out during the week. A good friend of mine said I should make sure I don't be too available but that in itself is difficult because we live in such a small town and I can't really afford to get out of town.

I hate that I feel like this but I can't help it. I feel that I am not really being involved in any of the real preparations, nor any of the fun things. The hens night was last weekend and I stayed out with my sister after all but her Maid of honour A (friend) had gone home. Then all of a sudden My sister had gone, and left me alone in the pub in a town I don't really know to get home to her place where I didn't even have the address. Luckily A's father came to pick her up and dropped me home, and luckily A knew the way. To me that isn't beign a nice friend or sister.

Then I wonder if I am being to harsh.... just because I wouldn't leave someone on their own no matter how drunk I was, does that mean I should hold people to my standards? Another friend of my said it sounds like she was making bad drunk decisions, but she didn't even apologise, I know I would have, but again should I be holding her to my standards.


THEN.... For the past 2 months I was totally stressed about the bridesmaid dress. I bought one that was too big because it was in store and didn't have to be ordered in. But when I went to have it altered I was told is would cost $180, which on top of it being a $300 dress was totally out of range. I cried and raged and then tried to get a smaller size and found out that would cost me about the same as the alteration so again out of the question.
Luckily for me a wonderful seamstress friend offered to help me out and I was so grateful. I asked her to do whatever she could without cutting the dress because I needed to be able to sell it after and it would be worth more if it was an "original size". So she did, and made two small removable darts/folds in the back. When I my mum saw it, the first thing she said was, "thats not pretty is it"!! FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! It was all that could be done without it being a massive reno job and taking 2 days! It looks absolutely fine! the darts are in the back and won't be seen! and the shoestring straps have been put inline with the dart so it all looks like it belongs! .... Oh and just for the record... tell someone with low self exteme that the dress they are wearing for their sisters wedding, where everyone will be looking at them, getting photos taken etc etc looks like shit! GREAT IDEA... NOT!!!

The worst part is that I know she would never... ever... ever... say anything like this to my other sister... she wouldn't ever mention that a dress or any clothing was too small, short etc for her because S wouldn't take it well!

My family really is screwed! I want to be involved! I want to be a part of it all... and you would think that at 30 with a 7 year old of my own that I would be able to deal with this considering nothing has changed, but I think that is the hardest part to deal with, that nothing has changed, and prob wont! ever!!!

Rant over!

Week-a-Boo ~ A peek into your weekEND

Here's some pics from this weekend... starting Friday night, traffic going out of sydney just "stopped" on the mountains for awhile,













Saturday was My sisters hens night, and as I am a 6 monthly go out kinda girl Saturday was spent recovering.












I am including monday into the weekend because in NSW it was a long weekend Woo Hoo!
I am staying with my parents for a couple of weeks to help out with the organising the upcoming nuptials so Monday was a fairly quiet one. My LM has been given some gifts over the past couple of years, which are crapfty put together type things. We never seem to get around to putting them together or doing them so these holidays I decided it was time.
Monday was spent putting this together and then today the LM painted it up. ... Pretty special looking train if you ask me!

What did you get up to this long weekend???