Depression, anxiety and desire are all consuming passions in my life.
Depression rules my emotions, while pills rule my moods and the taking of or not taking decide how the next day will run....
So that that is my nut in a shell i guess.
BUT now while i have settled in my life and there has been one fairly constant over the past 10 months the world has turned upside down again ... and i have to decide where to go from here .. i have to decide what is best for me... and for me alone. I just don't know if i can... i don't know if i ever have done so before.
I am currently working as the admin officer/office manager/everything in a Boarding house. The job is interesting, though is beginning to be predictable. Some days i am bore out of my brain.... and this is the problem..... MY BOSS
Now the situation at work is that it is only me and the boss (forever to be called boss man or BM). The stranger thing is that where is work is his living quarters.... i walk in and there is the desk, turn around and just behind a petition screen is his bedroom/loung room which i have to walk through to get to the kitchen and bathroom.
For the first week i didn't go to the bathroom and for the first month i had to be desperate. LOL
Anyway the problem that is now occurring is that i am comfortable. I may not be stimulated by the job but the hours are great, i can still drop off and pick up my son, the money is decent and as i said the work is pretty basic.
BUT the reason i have stated for so long now and not quit every time something shitty happened is because i have a great affection for BM. I can't stop myself from thinking he is an amazing guy, but i also know he is not interested. Let me just say i will always go for the unattainable because i am a sucker for punishment and drama (not that i will ever admit that to my friends, though they know it anyway!).
I said to a friend tonight that 5 years younger and with a little less emotional instability and he would be perfect..... he has the rescuer in him. He wants to make me a better person .... he just doesn't realise that by doing all this nice stuff for me he makes me fall even harder for him.
THE problem i now face is that he may be leaving..... he has been offered another job and he would be really good for it and I think it would be good for him too. Where we work is not a "normal" atmosphere.... the people that live there have all got problems. We cater for the low end of society.... not the lowest but it is low.... these are people who have few other places they can go. And while we ask for references like were are some upmarket joint .... as long as they can provide us with something that points to the fact that they are not lying then in they come.
So he might be leaving... if everything works out for this new job then he is looking at taking off mid may. Which does not leave me very much time to decide where my life is heading and what my priorities are. Do i or don't i want to move on... or the more pertinent question is can i. What kind of place am i committing to if i do decide to stay. Or is it really that bad... would it be OK without him??? Could i do the job without him there??
Should i follow him? would that really serve any great purpose except to torment me, to know that he is so close but still not close enough for me to mean anything more to him that someone who is good on the computer... and decent to vent to every now and then when the other one is away.
ANYWAY.... will post this up and more will follow.... this one is gonna take some sorting out!
What to do... i know that i need to walk away from him . Stop being so emotional invested but that would mean change and I am not prepared to do that at the moment.
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