Sun is shining but not getting through

I'm currently out staying with my parents for two weeks in the lead up to my sisters wedding. I thought everything would be ok, I thought I had grown enough lately, that I would be able to chill out through the crap, but you know what I haven't grown up that much, and I am really just counting down the days until I get to go home.

I find myself consumed with guilt about not really wanting to be here, about being annoyed that I am here but neither my sister that is getting married, nor my other sister who is also a bridesmaid will be around very much next week to also help out during the week. A good friend of mine said I should make sure I don't be too available but that in itself is difficult because we live in such a small town and I can't really afford to get out of town.

I hate that I feel like this but I can't help it. I feel that I am not really being involved in any of the real preparations, nor any of the fun things. The hens night was last weekend and I stayed out with my sister after all but her Maid of honour A (friend) had gone home. Then all of a sudden My sister had gone, and left me alone in the pub in a town I don't really know to get home to her place where I didn't even have the address. Luckily A's father came to pick her up and dropped me home, and luckily A knew the way. To me that isn't beign a nice friend or sister.

Then I wonder if I am being to harsh.... just because I wouldn't leave someone on their own no matter how drunk I was, does that mean I should hold people to my standards? Another friend of my said it sounds like she was making bad drunk decisions, but she didn't even apologise, I know I would have, but again should I be holding her to my standards.


THEN.... For the past 2 months I was totally stressed about the bridesmaid dress. I bought one that was too big because it was in store and didn't have to be ordered in. But when I went to have it altered I was told is would cost $180, which on top of it being a $300 dress was totally out of range. I cried and raged and then tried to get a smaller size and found out that would cost me about the same as the alteration so again out of the question.
Luckily for me a wonderful seamstress friend offered to help me out and I was so grateful. I asked her to do whatever she could without cutting the dress because I needed to be able to sell it after and it would be worth more if it was an "original size". So she did, and made two small removable darts/folds in the back. When I my mum saw it, the first thing she said was, "thats not pretty is it"!! FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! It was all that could be done without it being a massive reno job and taking 2 days! It looks absolutely fine! the darts are in the back and won't be seen! and the shoestring straps have been put inline with the dart so it all looks like it belongs! .... Oh and just for the record... tell someone with low self exteme that the dress they are wearing for their sisters wedding, where everyone will be looking at them, getting photos taken etc etc looks like shit! GREAT IDEA... NOT!!!

The worst part is that I know she would never... ever... ever... say anything like this to my other sister... she wouldn't ever mention that a dress or any clothing was too small, short etc for her because S wouldn't take it well!

My family really is screwed! I want to be involved! I want to be a part of it all... and you would think that at 30 with a 7 year old of my own that I would be able to deal with this considering nothing has changed, but I think that is the hardest part to deal with, that nothing has changed, and prob wont! ever!!!

Rant over!