I am trying to be involved in My sisters wedding, I am a bridesmaid after all so I assume that I have some roll to play, something that she would want me to do either with the other three or seperate to, and I though up to now that I will leave it and surely I will find out soon.... But a week out from the wedding she has still not spoken to me about anything, and previously the couple of times I have asked her things I have been told to stop freaking out and that is her job.... Ummm actually I believe as a bridesmaid part of my job is to make sure she isn't freaking out... but well then again I am probably wrong as I mostly as when I am around my family.
Then, over the past 48 hours I have found out (from my mother) that I am handing out the cake with the other bridesmaids after it is cut and it is time for desert, and also that apparently I am being part of a speech... two things I had no idea about. Also that my sister and her hubby were staying at my place on Sunday night in Sydney before they flew out for their honey moon.
NOT one piece of this did I know.
Oh and the only reason I found out they were staying with me is because I was told that my parents thought I was driving home to Sydney on the Sunday after the wedding, and I said no...the Monday... and it was then said .. "oh I thought Tracie and Kyle were staying with you on Sunday night".
I asked my engaged Sister today if there was anything I needed to know about the wedding today and she said no, that I would find out on friday, and that she had more important things to think about. Sure of course she does, but the thing is, if I am supposed to be making a speech I would like to know with a little more than 24 hours beforehand. I was told to stop freaking out and that I would have been asked/told on Friday (ie one day before the wedding).
Then she spoke to mum and I was then told by her to stop asking Tracie things about the wedding! So basically I am feeling like she doesn't really need or want me for anything to do with the wedding. That I could have just as easily turned up on friday and be treated like a flower girl... do this stand there thats all!
I am not dealing with this whole wedding bizzo very well at all and I know that. It only makes me see more clearly just how alone I am. I was not offered a "plus one" because I don't have a long term partner. . . . though other people have been and I know they don't either. Apparently my plus one is my son... lovely!
The best way I know to deal with things is to know what is coming, but by asking questions I am being annoying, and by not asking I sit in limbo hoping that someone will fill me in.
This wedding is for my little sister who is 8 years my junior, I know my older Sister had some "issues" to start with as well but since the engagement she has met a guy and recently moved in with him all within 12-18months, so she, I think, is seeing this as a warm up in what to do.
She lives within an hour of the one getting married and so has been involved in the process, but really would it have hurt anyone to pick up the fucking phone and let me know what was going on. I have stressed about the shoes, and many other things, my mother has been aware of my stress, and still decisions were being made and no one was telling me anything until I completely freaked out, and had a screaming fit...........then I am told things.
I find myself hoping that I hurt myself or that something happens so that I can just leave and not have to be a part of any of this crap. I want to help but am sick of being treated like hired help, not being given any information, my opinion mattering less than an ants.
I am trying not to make this about me, I am trying to be involved in her joy for the weekend, but how can I be when it is obvious she doesn't want me to be. I did the wrong thing saying I wanted to be a bridesmaid, I did the wrong thing not pulling out when i hurt my foot 12 months ago because that meant I couldn't wear the shoes she wanted etc, I have done the wrong thing by being home for 2 weeks before the wedding (not something I wanted but just couldn't afford to do anything else).
I should have just shut up and been the Emencee at least that way I would know something about the bloody wedding and what is happening, who will be doing speeches and when etc etc.
The voices have come back in my brain so clearly that every night I hear myself feeling what a looser I am, how alone and un-necessary I am. I find myself wanting to just disappear, Leave William to be happy with my Parents, or with his Dad, because truly how happy can he be with me considering how wonderfully fucked I have made my own life. I have found myself wondering how long I could live off one pension payment, because if I withdrew money from my account again they would be able to trace it and find where I have gone to.
I know I have been supremely stressed about things in my own life lately, but I have dealt with them the best way I know how and that is by trying to be organised. By being prepared and no once have I actually started mind planning how to run away! Not until this week.....not until I spend a week with my Family.....
This is what my brain has decided to
I was once bridesmaid for a friend a bit like this. She was VERY demanding but only told me her demands at the last miunte. 13 years later and when I answer the phone to her I say "Hello S" but in my head I'm saying "Oh look, it's the Princess Bride".
ReplyDeleteBut remember that despite your own personal 'Princess Bride's ' behaviour (which I have to say is rudeness squared), you DO matter. You ARE important.
...and I can tell you from sad experience that your little fella definitely idolises you: to a kid, their parents (especially their main caregiver) are their Sun and Moon.
You matter.
Yep ... he was so well behaved during the wedding, stood with all the best men at the front and treated the whole thing with solemety and pomp! He was soooo cute!
ReplyDelete